(On a lighter note, the following story is a montage of several of the urban
myths currently floating around cyberspace. This anonymous email is being
passed around under the heading, “It Must be True, I Saw it on the Internet.”)
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to
me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact
that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend
whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a
rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as
everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which
is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his
bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out
of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN.He saw a note on his
mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it
was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that
would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!”
He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who
was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the
computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie
recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last
week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a
free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing
kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which
unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s
expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an
HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said,
“Welcome to the world of AIDS.”
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one where that
little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society
has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two
e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel
(if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good
luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to
fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the
way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he
flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4
green M&Ms — if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you
to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick
from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a
skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your
arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.
Author unknown
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